dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
