Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize