pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
