i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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