Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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