Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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