i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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