hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
