I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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