Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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