doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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