My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
