Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
We need to rekindle our bromance
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
They are going to name an STD after you.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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