There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
