people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
