make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
