I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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