No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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