Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
