So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize