I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
