i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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