Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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