i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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