so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Is Oprah even human
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
