It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
