this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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