Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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