two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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