I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
