If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
