youre lurking in front of me
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize