i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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