based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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