My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
