is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
