Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
