i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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