What tipped you off? The sombrero?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize