Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
