He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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