We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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