I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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