If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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