i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
