Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize