i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You ruined the universe
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
