so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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