Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
