the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
