How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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