i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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