She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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