ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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