Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
