he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
