you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
and she was petting her beer can
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
