Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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