Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
