Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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