Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
