Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
