I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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