so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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