I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
