My liver just broke up with me...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
